{"id":1460133,"date":"2025-12-16T11:29:37","date_gmt":"2025-12-16T10:29:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ie.edu\/insights\/?post_type=articles&p=1460133"},"modified":"2025-12-16T15:23:51","modified_gmt":"2025-12-16T14:23:51","slug":"the-art-of-friendship-from-deals-to-the-real-thing","status":"publish","type":"articles","link":"https:\/\/www.ie.edu\/insights\/articles\/the-art-of-friendship-from-deals-to-the-real-thing\/","title":{"rendered":"The Art of Friendship: From Deals to the Real Thing"},"featured_media":1460386,"template":"","meta":{"_has_post_settings":[]},"schools":[],"areas":[20],"subjects":[420],"class_list":["post-1460133","articles","type-articles","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","areas-human-behavior","subjects-managing-people"],"custom-fields":{"wpcf-article-leadin":["Happiness depends on recognizing the purpose of each relationship in our lives and investing the right intention into them, writes Nick van Dam."],"wpcf-article-body":["\ufeff<\/span>Across philosophy, literature, and the social sciences, one question has persisted over time with remarkable consistency: What makes us truly happy?<\/em>\r\n\r\nDespite changes in technology, wealth, and social structure, the answer has remained remarkably consistent. The Harvard Study of Adult Development<\/a>, one of the longest-running studies on human happiness, has shown that relationships \u2013 more than career success, money, or fame \u2013 are the strongest predictor of a fulfilling life.\r\n\r\nAs the study\u2019s director, Dr. Robert Waldinger, has stated, \u201cGood relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.\u201d\r\n\r\nIn our modern lives, this insight can often collide with reality. Yes, we are more connected than ever before \u2013 thanks to a constant connection with friends, family, and ideas through digital networks and mobile devices \u2013 yet many report feeling isolated. According to the World Health Organization, nearly one in six people globally report feeling lonely<\/a>. It is not necessarily a lack of relationships that is the problem, however, but a lack of clarity around what kind of relationships are being built and what can be reasonably expected from them.\r\n\r\nThis is where an ancient framework unexpectedly proves useful.\r\n\r\nMore than two millennia ago, the ancient Greek philosopher and scientist Aristotle observed that not all relationships are created equal, and he described three kinds of friendship based on utility, pleasure, and virtue<\/a>. Though developed in a very different world than the one we face today, Aristotle\u2019s thesis offers a way for us to understand why some relationships energize us, others serve us, and only a few sustain us over time.\r\n\r\nTranslating these into today\u2019s language, I think of them as DEAL, MEAL, and REAL friendships.\r\n\r\nUnderstanding these distinctions matters more often than we would like to admit. When we expect emotional loyalty from a transactional relationship, for example, or treat deep friendships as mere conveniences, we set ourselves (and others) up for disappointment. When we recognize the purpose of each relationship, what it is for<\/em>, we can invest the appropriate time, balance, and intention into them.\r\n
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  1. DEAL Friendships: The Exchange Zone<\/strong><\/li>\r\n\r\nDEAL friendships \u2013 those grounded in utility \u2013 are built on mutual benefit. They follow the simple logic of \u201cI do something for you, and you do something for me.\u201d These relationships are practical, often professional, and essential to how organizations and societies function.\r\n\r\nA colleague chips in to help solve a problem on a project; months later, you recall their efforts and make an introduction to a contact who could prove helpful to their career. These exchanges are rarely explicit or immediate. They unfold naturally over time, guided by a general expectation of fairness rather than a strict quid pro quo.\r\n\r\nTrust in DEAL friendships is based on reliability and reciprocity \u2013 not emotional intimacy. Each party understands the value being created by the other (even if it is never formally named or acknowledged). There\u2019s nothing wrong or shallow about these friendships. In fact, they make the world function. Careers advance, institutions operate, and collaborations succeed largely because people honor these transactional exchanges.\r\n\r\nBut it is important to remember and accept that when the deal ends, the relationship often fades too. When a DEAL friendship is mistaken for something other than it is, unmet expectations can escalate into resentment or confusion, so it is essential to be clear-eyed about the DEAL relationships in your professional life.\r\n\r\n \t
  2. MEAL Friendships: The Shared Joy<\/strong><\/li>\r\n\r\nMEAL friendships are rooted in pleasure and shared experience. They make life fun. These are the relationships that make life lighter: dinner companions, travel buddies, teammates, or coffee friends.\r\n\r\nThey are sustained by enjoyment, rhythm, and circumstance. When the laughter flows and interest aligns, these friendships shine. But when routines change \u2013 through career shifts or life stage transitions \u2013 they may naturally fade.\r\n\r\nYet, MEAL friendships are far from trivial. They contribute meaningfully to well-being by bringing joy, energy, and belonging to daily life. They remind us that connection does not always need to be deep and profound in order to be valuable.\r\n\r\nThe risk, again, lies in misclassifying these relationships. Expecting lifelong loyalty from a friendship built primarily on shared activity and career alignment can strain it unnecessarily. Accepting these friendships for what they are allows them to be enjoyed fully without the pressure to become something else \u2013 and this can make the difference in your day-to-day work environment.\r\n\r\n \t
  3. REAL Friendships: The Deep Connection<\/strong><\/li>\r\n\r\nREAL friendships \u2013 those grounded in virtue \u2013 are rare and precious. They are built on mutual care, trust, and acceptance rather than circumstance or exchange. These are the people who stand by you when life gets messy, who reach out when you\u2019re sick, and who see you beyond your successes or failures.\r\n\r\nREAL friendships are not unconditional in the sense of being effortless. They require time, honesty, and a willingness to stay engaged even when it might be easier to withdraw. What distinguishes the is not constant agreement, but mutual goodwill and a shared commitment to one another\u2019s growth \u2013 regardless of how it may or may not impact you.\r\n\r\nUnlike DEAL or MEAL friendships, REAL friendships are not defined by what is gained. They are defined by who<\/em> the people are and how they help one another become more fully themselves. In adulthood, these friendships are especially difficult to cultivate and easy to neglect \u2013 and perhaps even more so in today\u2019s busy corporate setting. Over time, these are often the relationships that we turn to when circumstances shift, and the ones that give success deeper meaning.\r\n<\/ol>\r\n\r\nCultivating Friendship with Intention<\/strong>\r\n\r\nIn life, we need all three types of friendships \u2013 DEAL, MEAL, and REAL. Each serves a distinct purpose, and none is inherently better than the others. The key is awareness, in understanding which relationship is which, what each can be expected to reasonably provide, and knowing how to nurture them accordingly. Your \u201cdeal friend\u201d may not be the one who brings soup when you\u2019re ill, and that\u2019s okay \u2013 as long as you understand the nature of the bond.\r\n\r\nThe art of friendship lies in balance and intentionality:\r\n
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    • Build DEAL friendships with integrity, transparency, and fairness.<\/li>\r\n \t
    • Nurture MEAL friendships through shared experiences, joy, and presence.<\/li>\r\n \t
    • Cherish REAL friendships with love, care, trust, loyalty, and time.<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\nA meaningful life does not depend on replacing one kind of these relationships with another but on learning to recognize them clearly and engage with them honestly. In DEAL, MEAL, and REAL friendships, each plays a distinct role \u2013 at work, in our community, and in our private lives. Professional exchanges make collaboration possible, shared pleasure brings rhythm and joy to our lives, and deeper bonds offer continuity through change. The ideal is to have representation of each one of these relationships in our lives and to accept them for what they are.\r\n\r\nThis clarity is particularly important in adult and professional life because time is scarce and expectations can easily become misaligned. When friendships are approached with intention rather than assumption, they are more likely to support us in our work and help us create a life that feels more coherent.\r\n\r\nAs Aristotle might remind us today, the good life is not lived in isolation but in connection and relationship with others. In a world where we can measure almost everything, perhaps the true measure of success is not what is accumulated or achieved, but it\u2019s about friends who deeply love and care for us and to whom we belong.\r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n\u00a9 IE Insights."],"wpcf-audio-article":["https:\/\/www.ie.edu\/insights\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/PlayAI_The_Art_of_Friendship_From_Deals_to_the.mp3"],"wpcf-article-extract":["Happiness depends on recognizing the purpose of each relationship in our lives and investing the right intention into them, writes Nick van Dam."],"wpcf-article-extract-enable":["1"]},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ie.edu\/insights\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/articles\/1460133","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ie.edu\/insights\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/articles"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ie.edu\/insights\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/articles"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ie.edu\/insights\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1460386"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ie.edu\/insights\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1460133"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"schools","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ie.edu\/insights\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/schools?post=1460133"},{"taxonomy":"areas","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ie.edu\/insights\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/areas?post=1460133"},{"taxonomy":"subjects","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ie.edu\/insights\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/subjects?post=1460133"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}