The Illusion of Perfection: Breaking Free from Limiting Beliefs

 By: Josefa Brigham

Have you ever been in a situation where you didn’t perform as others or yourself expected you to? If you have, reflect on it for a moment by thinking whether it was a goal that could’ve only been achieved through “perfection.” The social construct of perfection is applied in various spheres within our society; economic, political, social, spiritual or religious, and more predominantly in our own private sphere. Being so, it can easily creep into our perception of how we see the world and ourselves. How we view ourselves has been studied as a multilayer psychological phenomenon that is extremely complex due to its subjectivity yet common understandings among academics have been reached.

The knowledge that we have on ourselves is based on how we construct our self-schema “a template through which self-relevant information is attended to and processed in memory” (Hewitt, Genest, 1970). Modern self-schema theories, such as the relational self-schemata claim that our self-schema is highly dictated by who we are with. For instance we have a me-with-mom, me-with-grandma, me-with-best friend (Scott, Penningroth, 2022). With these individuals we have formulated a script with the purpose of making these interactions as smooth as possible. These cognitive structures allow us to be aware of what the other expects from us, and how their emotions work. 

If there are any misalignments between these “scripts” we have for ourselves studies have found that individuals can experience disappointment, dissatisfactions, feelings of failure, shame, agitation, or uneasiness (Hardin & Lakin, 2009; Higgins, 1987; Higgins, Klein, & Strauman, 1985; Phillips & Silvia, 2010; Strauman et al., 2015; Watson et al., 2016). Which is considered a maladaptive schemata that may lead us to develop self-limiting beliefs or negative self-talk. Looking at how perfectionism arises from misalignment within these self-schema and our essence, allows us to become aware of how there are both internal and external forces that may drive us to set harmful expectations, and with that reflection we could later consider shifting our mindset regarding failures and growth.

The Dual Nature of Perfectionism: Self and Social Imposition

In the process of filtering information from the outside world, with the purpose of identifying whether it is relevant to us or not, there could be information that is planted by our social sphere. Psychologist and Professor at the university college London, Christopher Frith that has published books like “What makes us social”, talks about “how embedded we all are in the social world. We may feel like independent agents, but, in fact, we are constantly being buffeted one way or another by a stream of social signals to which we respond whether we like it or not” (Bernard, et al, 2010). One of the experiments that he finds the most compelling is that of (Bristow, et al, 2005). Participants went under an FMRI, with the aim of understanding the brain activity that occurs when a person is seeing another person being touched. What they found is that the same area of the brain that is activated when one is being touched, is activated just by seeing it happen to another person. There have been reports of people who have synesthesia (a neurological phenomenon that occurs to people who experience their world through crossed senses; those who see colors in music) that claim to have felt the touch just by visually seeing someone else being touched. This is one of many experiments that come to show how interconnected we are with our surroundings, and how we might be unconsciously influenced. 

This dual nature can come from either external or internal forces.  External would include your family, professors, and peers. As aforementioned our social surroundings are big factors in our self perception. Studies have found that parental expectations play a crucial role in children's performance in university. There has been a strong association found between the students' own expectations and those that the parents have of them. Psychologists and Sociologists have explored family dynamics, and there is a common consensus that parents have the role of "expectancy socializers" meaning that they are actors that set the understanding of how their children should behave (Yamamoto, 2010). The internal could come from a state of self-criticism, this goes along with the saying “I am my worst own critic.” Everything is passed through this filter of criticism, which can be extremely harmful to our process of growth, and can even lead to psychopathologies such as depression or eating disorders (Veilleux, 2023). It’s important to notice how different factors shape the way we think, both when things feel tough and when they go well. Taking a moment to see what influences you most—whether it’s your inner critic pushing you to meet high standards, or outside experiences that made you believe mistakes equal failure—can help you understand where these thoughts come from and start building a healthier relationship with expectations and setbacks.

Recognizing when perfectionism takes hold 

Harmful expectations, negative self-talk, and feelings of anxiety or disappointment might be taking over, and it is key to identify these moments. There are certain states that might also have a toll on how you experience setbacks. A study conducted in the Department of Psychological Science in the University of Arkansas where they randomly asked participants throughout their day how they are feeling and what they are experiencing revealed how those that reported greater self-critism, were more tired. “Suggesting that the link between sleep and self-critism may be particularly important” (Veilleux, 2023). Also being at home correlated with high self-criticism, meaning that when people have a “calm” moment in their home they are actually more likely to ruminate with these negative self-evaluations. Becoming aware of how certain physical or emotional states, as well as environments, can negatively impact your self-perception and self-efficacy—the belief in one’s ability to succeed—empowers you to choose how to respond to those situations. While you may not be able to control external events, you can control your reactions to them.

Distinguishing the motivations behind our actions are also key in understanding what you are prioritizing in your life. Self-criticism or perfectionism, for example, can serve as positive motivation when used constructively. Research with university students shows that many are driven by external factors such as grades or peer expectations to complete tasks like homework or attending classes (Powers, 2007). However, the healthiest motivation comes from within—doing things for your own growth and personal journey, and appreciating the long-term benefits of these decisions. When individuals find meaning and joy in actions taken for themselves, their perspective on life changes, fostering resilience and acceptance.

Embracing evolution over perfection

To reach this appreciation, Dr.Kristin Neff a well known researcher and academic that has dedicated her life to studying self-compassion, identified three helpful elements that allow for a better understanding of what being self-compassionate truly entails (Neff, 2025):

• Self-kindness is when we are confronted with a problem, or with some type of suffering, we need to first make ourselves feel supported. Meaning that there is no point in punishing ourselves, when in reality imperfection is a component of humanity.

• Common humanity refers to how as humans it is in our nature to be imperfect, to make mistakes, or to fail, but that is what connects us. When we see a friend struggling we try to comfort them based on our own experiences, so why shouldn't we have the same approach when we make mistakes?

• Mindfulness is required in order to acknowledge how making mistakes, and suffering is part of the journey of life so that we neither exaggerate or suppress these negative emotions. It is about how we pay attention to these mistakes or failures. Dr.Kristin Neff contrasts this component with the process of over-identification which means how we can sometimes lose ourselves in these negative thoughts and get carried away by them leading us to go into self-judgement or isolation. 

Conclusion

 In the appreciation of how mistakes or negative events all carry a learning opportunity, you will begin to be kinder to yourself and others. Being your own biggest critic will only hinder the learning process. It is good to identify places that you might be lacking, but just by changing the mindset of “I’m a failure”, "I'm never going to get this right” to "I'm learning” and “Eventually I will master this” will give you that extra impulse you need. There is no need to put pressure on doing perfectly in school, university or work, because when you recognize that there are different paths to the same goal which can be much kinder and more accepting paths, the journey becomes deeply enriching. Be honest with yourself, and hopefully this honesty will give you the chance to do things just slightly differently in order to live out a life that is filled with patience, kindness, appreciation, and fulfillment. 

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