Why Is It So Hard To Let Go of Self-Criticism?

By Lucía Tomás Lluquet 

Lately, I’ve noticed something interesting with the people I see at the clinic. They come in with all sorts of different challenges, but there’s one thing that keeps popping up across all ages and personalities: thoughts like “I’m not good enough” and “I should be better.” As a therapist, it can be frustrating to see how much these thoughts hold people back. Most of the time, they come from comparing ourselves to others - which is ironic, as that means that it’s almost a shared human experience to think we’re not as good or as worth it as others.

When I work with patients on this, the first thing I do is explain why these thoughts exist in the first place. And here’s the twist: self-criticism isn’t just a habit, it exists because it once served to protect us from the fear of failing or, simply, from the fear of accepting. Now, as we mature, that function of being critical of ourselves isn’t really needed anymore, but the habit sticks because it feels familiar. In a weird way, self-criticism feels safe - it tells us we’re “on the right track” (Gilbert, 2010; Neff, 2003).

The goal, then, is to work around these thoughts, make them lose power. How?

1. Understand where it comes from: How self-criticism takes root

Self-criticism often feels automatic because of our cognitive schemas - mental frameworks that shape how we interpret the world, others, and ourselves (Beck, 1976).

Two common self-worth schemas emerge:

• Sociotropic schemas – When self-worth depends on approval and likeness from others. Example: “If people like me, I’ll be worth it.”
• Autotropic (autonomous) schemas – When self-worth depends on achievement. Example: “If I get to do this, I’ll be worth it.”

When these schemes become rigid - after we repeat them so often to ourselves - they produce automatic thoughts like “I’m the problem” or “I’ll never be good enough” that feel like objective facts rather than subjective interpretations.

2. Questioning and reframing: The ABCD method

One useful tool to shift from seeing thoughts as facts to viewing them as interpretations is the ABCD method, a classical cognitive-behavioral therapy exercise (Beck, 2011). It’s a way to spot limiting thoughts and working through them by registering the ABCD steps for each thought you want to examine:

• A – Activating event: What triggered the thought? (e.g., making a mistake at work)
• B – Beliefs: What thought came up? (e.g., “I’m incompetent”)
• C – Consequences: How did it make you feel or act? (e.g., shame, frustration, sadness)
• D – Disputation: Challenge the thought with compassion and evidence (e.g., “Everyone makes mistakes; this doesn’t define me”.)

Even if it feels strange at first, practicing the ABCD method helps you pause before automatically accepting negative thoughts as truth. Over time, you start noticing patterns in your thinking and can gently challenge yourself rather than being swept away by self-criticism. The more consistently you practice it, ideally with therapeutic or counseling guidance, this technique helps you question those automatic “I’m not good enough” thoughts in a way that feels real, not forced.

3. Tuning into your observant self

Finally, once you’ve practiced the ABCD method, letting go of self-criticism also means learning to simply observe your thoughts instead of getting caught up in them (Muris & Otgaar, 2020). Imagine it like this: your self-critical mind - the “observer”- is always producing thoughts to protect you, reacting to the world, and trying to keep you safe. But your “observant self” watches these thoughts without judgment. It understands the reasoning behind them, has already challenged and reframed them more positively and factually, and now lets them go, refusing to give them unnecessary importance. 

The observant self isn’t about suppressing thoughts or pretending everything is perfect. It’s about noticing your inner critic with curiosity and compassion. Over time, this gentle observing builds self-trust and allows you to act in ways aligned with your true values, not just the demands of your critic (Longe et al., 2010).

To strengthen your observant self, try asking yourself:

• What would it feel like to motivate myself with understanding rather than fear?
• Does my inner critic truly have my best interests at heart?
• How would I talk to a friend facing the same struggles?

Pausing to reflect on these questions helps create distance from harsh self-judgment and opens space for self-compassion. Imagine how liberating it would feel to let your observant self take the lead instead of always listening to the critical observer.

So… what now?

Learning to step back from self-critical thoughts doesn’t just reduce anxiety - it can make daily life more enjoyable, improve relationships, and help you focus on what truly matters instead of constantly trying to prove yourself. Letting go of the need to be ‘perfect’ frees energy and attention for the things that genuinely bring satisfaction and meaning to your life. Developing this takes practice and a bit of curiosity, but over time, it’s far more fulfilling (and even fun) than constantly thinking “I’m not good enough”.

Also, if you reflect on it, why do you need to be “good enough” in the first place? What does “good enough” even mean to you? And will something really change if you let go of the idea of being “good enough”?

References:

Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders. International Universities Press.

Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Gilbert, P. (2010). Compassion Focused Therapy: Distinctive Features. Routledge.

Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.

Longe, O., et al. (2010). Having a word with yourself: Neural correlates of self-criticism and self-reassurance. NeuroImage, 49(2), 1849–1856.

Muris, P., & Otgaar, H. (2020). The process of self-compassion: A review and theoretical update. Mindfulness, 11(3), 564–577.