Across philosophy, literature, and the social sciences, one question has persisted over time with remarkable consistency: What makes us truly happy?
Despite changes in technology, wealth, and social structure, the answer has remained remarkably consistent. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest-running studies on human happiness, has shown that relationships – more than career success, money, or fame – are the strongest predictor of a fulfilling life.
As the study’s director, Dr. Robert Waldinger, has stated, “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.”
In our modern lives, this insight can often collide with reality. Yes, we are more connected than ever before – thanks to a constant connection with friends, family, and ideas through digital networks and mobile devices – yet many report feeling isolated. According to the World Health Organization, nearly one in six people globally report feeling lonely. It is not necessarily a lack of relationships that is the problem, however, but a lack of clarity around what kind of relationships are being built and what can be reasonably expected from them.
This is where an ancient framework unexpectedly proves useful.
More than two millennia ago, the ancient Greek philosopher and scientist Aristotle observed that not all relationships are created equal, and he described three kinds of friendship based on utility, pleasure, and virtue. Though developed in a very different world than the one we face today, Aristotle’s thesis offers a way for us to understand why some relationships energize us, others serve us, and only a few sustain us over time.
Translating these into today’s language, I think of them as DEAL, MEAL, and REAL friendships.
Understanding these distinctions matters more often than we would like to admit. When we expect emotional loyalty from a transactional relationship, for example, or treat deep friendships as mere conveniences, we set ourselves (and others) up for disappointment. When we recognize the purpose of each relationship, what it is for, we can invest the appropriate time, balance, and intention into them.
- DEAL Friendships: The Exchange Zone
- MEAL Friendships: The Shared Joy
- REAL Friendships: The Deep Connection
DEAL friendships – those grounded in utility – are built on mutual benefit. They follow the simple logic of “I do something for you, and you do something for me.” These relationships are practical, often professional, and essential to how organizations and societies function.
A colleague chips in to help solve a problem on a project; months later, you recall their efforts and make an introduction to a contact who could prove helpful to their career. These exchanges are rarely explicit or immediate. They unfold naturally over time, guided by a general expectation of fairness rather than a strict quid pro quo.
Trust in DEAL friendships is based on reliability and reciprocity – not emotional intimacy. Each party understands the value being created by the other (even if it is never formally named or acknowledged). There’s nothing wrong or shallow about these friendships. In fact, they make the world function. Careers advance, institutions operate, and collaborations succeed largely because people honor these transactional exchanges.
But it is important to remember and accept that when the deal ends, the relationship often fades too. When a DEAL friendship is mistaken for something other than it is, unmet expectations can escalate into resentment or confusion, so it is essential to be clear-eyed about the DEAL relationships in your professional life.
MEAL friendships are rooted in pleasure and shared experience. They make life fun. These are the relationships that make life lighter: dinner companions, travel buddies, teammates, or coffee friends.
They are sustained by enjoyment, rhythm, and circumstance. When the laughter flows and interest aligns, these friendships shine. But when routines change – through career shifts or life stage transitions – they may naturally fade.
Yet, MEAL friendships are far from trivial. They contribute meaningfully to well-being by bringing joy, energy, and belonging to daily life. They remind us that connection does not always need to be deep and profound in order to be valuable.
The risk, again, lies in misclassifying these relationships. Expecting lifelong loyalty from a friendship built primarily on shared activity and career alignment can strain it unnecessarily. Accepting these friendships for what they are allows them to be enjoyed fully without the pressure to become something else – and this can make the difference in your day-to-day work environment.
REAL friendships – those grounded in virtue – are rare and precious. They are built on mutual care, trust, and acceptance rather than circumstance or exchange. These are the people who stand by you when life gets messy, who reach out when you’re sick, and who see you beyond your successes or failures.
REAL friendships are not unconditional in the sense of being effortless. They require time, honesty, and a willingness to stay engaged even when it might be easier to withdraw. What distinguishes the is not constant agreement, but mutual goodwill and a shared commitment to one another’s growth – regardless of how it may or may not impact you.
Unlike DEAL or MEAL friendships, REAL friendships are not defined by what is gained. They are defined by who the people are and how they help one another become more fully themselves. In adulthood, these friendships are especially difficult to cultivate and easy to neglect – and perhaps even more so in today’s busy corporate setting. Over time, these are often the relationships that we turn to when circumstances shift, and the ones that give success deeper meaning.
Cultivating Friendship with Intention
In life, we need all three types of friendships – DEAL, MEAL, and REAL. Each serves a distinct purpose, and none is inherently better than the others. The key is awareness, in understanding which relationship is which, what each can be expected to reasonably provide, and knowing how to nurture them accordingly. Your “deal friend” may not be the one who brings soup when you’re ill, and that’s okay – as long as you understand the nature of the bond.
The art of friendship lies in balance and intentionality:
- Build DEAL friendships with integrity, transparency, and fairness.
- Nurture MEAL friendships through shared experiences, joy, and presence.
- Cherish REAL friendships with love, care, trust, loyalty, and time.
A meaningful life does not depend on replacing one kind of these relationships with another but on learning to recognize them clearly and engage with them honestly. In DEAL, MEAL, and REAL friendships, each plays a distinct role – at work, in our community, and in our private lives. Professional exchanges make collaboration possible, shared pleasure brings rhythm and joy to our lives, and deeper bonds offer continuity through change. The ideal is to have representation of each one of these relationships in our lives and to accept them for what they are.
This clarity is particularly important in adult and professional life because time is scarce and expectations can easily become misaligned. When friendships are approached with intention rather than assumption, they are more likely to support us in our work and help us create a life that feels more coherent.
As Aristotle might remind us today, the good life is not lived in isolation but in connection and relationship with others. In a world where we can measure almost everything, perhaps the true measure of success is not what is accumulated or achieved, but it’s about friends who deeply love and care for us and to whom we belong.
© IE Insights.
